A little over two weeks has flown by. Two weeks full of adventure, learning, new people, new experiences, new skills, new foods. New is a sensation I have been in desperate need of. I had become accustomed to a continuous, detrimental routine and now I am dancing in freedom and change.
This new found freedom has come with frustrations including why writing has been difficult and freedom has shed light on my need for routine. I find myself constantly planning or asking what the plan is. Freedom means less planning, more living which is something I am enjoying more and more everyday. My need for plans is slowing and I realize the more in the now I am, the more enjoyable life has been. My frustration with writing has been lurking in the back of my mind and I have sat down to write almost everyday and every time results in the same feeling of disappointment and defeat while I hopelessly stare at my blank screen. I thought of a million reasons why my writing has come to an abrupt halt but until today none of my reasons seemed good enough. Today, as I drove through a forest of towering Redwoods, saw flashes through the thick trees along the road of the beautiful mountains and deep valleys of the King Range, served coffee to the wild people of Humboldt County, and drove home on the rough, windy path to the farm tucked deep in the rolling hills, I realized why I have been struggling with my writing. I fear my writing will not rightfully illustrate this overwhelmingly beautiful place I now call home.
I find myself speechless everyday driving to work, learning a new skill in the garden, gaining knowledge from people who have years of experience, or meeting new people. My mind is overflowing of new knowledge that my brain is too busy digesting that it cannot possibly hold onto a single idea long enough to get it down to paper. When I did begin to write, my thoughts were still scrambling through my mind, jumping from this to that, never focused. My mind is in full sponge mode and is struggling to slow down. In a weird way, my problem is that I have too much to write about. Too much to write about is an issue because I want to properly render the magic of my new home.
Today, I reflected and focused on my frustrations which has allowed me to slow down enough to finally process my thoughts. Take a step back, slow down, breathe, reflect and let everything evolve and you too shall follow.
Beginning with a hectic week of finals, packing, and good-byes; to a 3 day road trip through the mountains of Colorado, the towers of red rocks in Utah, the desert of Nevada; to finally reaching the promise land of Northern California. The land that is full of life, rivers, creeks, winding roads through dense, green forests and the monsterous Red Woods . The place my soul has been wandering, lost, awaiting my return. Tonight, after a long week, exhausted after a long road trip filled with incredible experiences, and with no time wasted; day of work, I can finally relax. I can let my mind settle and digest the chaos. Chaotic as it has been, the feeling of freedom and happiness has pushed the feeling of chaos aside.
As Cody plays guitar and I put my thoughts down into words, I think of the feeling as I drove away from the place I have called home for my life in search of freedom. The feeling of freedom I have felt since that moment. I think back to the morning in Utah, waking to the unknown world of the night to find us in the middle of monuments of stacked red rocks on the outskirt of Moab. The rocks that are stacked so perfectly and stand strong like castles. I think of kayaking my first river in my own boat. I can feel how it felt when I successfully rolled up-right after my first flip. How the last stretch before reaching my new home felt. The overwhelming feeling of freedom, happiness, and the unknown. The day didn’t slow as we worked while the sun beat down on our exhausted bodies. The farm has been hard at work nourishing the plants that have grown tall and strong that were once the babies that I had transplanted. The apple trees, that just a few short weeks ago were covered with beautiful blossoms, are now covered in baby apples. The baby chickens have grown from the puffy balls they once were. The greenhouse continues to get greener and full of life. Everything has changed but the feeling of this magical place has not. I am exhausted but look forward to the new day ahead tomorrow.
But now, it is time to relax. It is time to enjoy where I am right this moment. This great change has indeed brought great chaos but I am confident the overflow of happiness and excitement will continue to mask the feeling of chaos.
PC: Kaylan Miller
The baby apples and the growing tomato plants
One week. One week until we begin our life unbound together. One week until we start road tripping to Cali. One week until I make the biggest move of my life.
I never felt this day would come. I have been dreaming of this for months now. I have imagined it over and over again. It felt like the time would never pass, now I am only one week away. I am overflowing with emotions. To say I’m not a little nervous would be a lie. Of course I am nervous. My life will be completely different in only 7 days. I will say good-bye to my parents for who knows how long. I will leave the state I have called home for almost 19 years. I will part from a friend who I have been inseparable from since pre-school, who I also shared my freshman year of college as my roommate. I will leave behind everything I have known for 18 years.
But more than nervous I am bursting with joy and excitement. I feel as if I am being reborn, like my life is just about to begin. I can taste freedom. I will be spending everyday with the man I love most. I will see places and do things I never would have done without taking this leap. I will meet people and build relationships that will bring opportunities I could not imagine now. I will learn more than I ever have in any classroom. I will find myself. I will grow as a person and expand my consciousness more than ever. I will give up all I have ever known for adventure. I will trade structure for freedom. My soul will be free to roam.
I am ready for this adventure. Ready for change. I only have one more week until the biggest, most exciting change of my life.
So, how I am supposed to study for finals?